"She kept saying the carer was a stranger. We tried to explain she comes every day, but it doesn't matter how many times you explain it, does it. Every single morning it starts again."

So many families arrive at the same exhausted point. Your loved one has dementia. You have finally accepted that you cannot do this entirely on your own. You have found a carer. And then you discover, sometimes on the first day, sometimes after a few weeks of watching quietly through the kitchen door, that the carer does not quite know what to do with a brain that works like this. Not through any fault of their own. Just because caring for someone with dementia is genuinely a different skill set, and not everyone who holds a care certificate has been taught it.

That is not a failure on your part. Choosing the wrong person the first time does not mean you have let your loved one down. It means you are now better placed to choose the right one.

What dementia understanding actually means in practice

The phrase "dementia trained" gets used loosely. Some carers have completed a short online module. Others have spent years working alongside Admiral Nurses on specialist wards and have lived experience of what it means to sit with someone in the middle of a distressed episode at three in the morning and not panic. The gap between those two things is significant.

According to NICE guideline NG97, which covers dementia assessment and support in the UK, carers providing care at home should be trained in communication techniques specific to dementia, approaches for managing distress, and how to support day-to-day activity in a way that preserves dignity. Skills for Care sets out a dementia core skills framework that goes further, covering everything from understanding how different dementia types progress to knowing when behaviour that looks like aggression is actually fear.

What this means for you, practically, is that training certificates alone are not the signal. What matters is whether the carer can tell you, in plain language, what they would actually do in a specific difficult moment. That is what the first meeting is for.

What to ask in the first meeting

Before any arrangement begins, sit down with the carer while your loved one is present if possible, but ask these questions directly. You are not being difficult. The Alzheimer's Society and Dementia UK both tell families to treat this conversation as essential, not optional.

Ask them to describe a time care went wrong. A carer who has genuinely worked with dementia will have a story. They will tell you about a morning when something small destabilised everything, and what they did next. A carer who has not really faced it will give you a general answer about staying calm.

Ask how they handle a refusal. Refusals of personal care are among the most common and most distressing moments in dementia care at home. A carer with real understanding will talk about coming back later, about distraction, about not escalating. They will not talk about persuading or insisting.

Ask what they know about the specific type of dementia your loved one has. Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, and frontotemporal dementia each present differently and require different approaches. Someone who genuinely understands dementia will be curious about which type they are dealing with, not just about the care schedule.

Ask what they do when they are worried about a change in someone. This tells you whether they know the difference between a bad day and a deterioration, and whether they will ring you or stay quiet.

Continuity matters more than almost anything else

The Alzheimer's Society is consistent on this point: for people with dementia, a familiar face is not a preference. It is a care need. A person who cannot form new short-term memories cannot easily learn to trust a new person. Every change in carer restarts that process. Familiarity reduces distress. It reduces falls. It allows the carer to notice changes early because they know what the baseline looks like.

This is why good dementia care at home looks like one person, the same person, turning up as consistently as the arrangement allows. It is why families who have been through a rota of different faces sent by a coordinating layer that fails on a Tuesday will tell you that the rota was the problem, not the individual carers.

If your loved one's dementia is progressing, you can call the Dementia UK Admiral Nurse Helpline on 0800 888 6678. Admiral Nurses specialise in dementia and the calls are free. They can help you think through care options, what to look for, and what to ask for. The Alzheimer's Society Dementia Connect line on 0333 150 3456 also offers advice in eleven languages.

We at Hibant can also help. When a family comes to us with a dementia diagnosis in the picture, we look across our roster for carers who have specific, verifiable experience with dementia care. Not a short course module. Actual working history. You meet the carer before any arrangement begins, so you can have exactly the conversation described above. That first meeting is not optional with us. It is how every introduction works.

Tonight, one thing

If you are not yet sure whether the carer currently looking after your loved one has the right background, ring the Dementia UK Admiral Nurse Helpline on 0800 888 6678. Tell them what you have noticed. They are specialist nurses. They will help you work out whether what you are seeing is normal, and whether the care being provided is the right shape.

If you want help finding someone with the right experience in the first place, this is what Hibant exists for. We are a London introductory care agency. Every carer we introduce has been DBS-checked and insurance-verified before we speak to any family, and when dementia is part of the picture we look specifically for carers whose background includes hands-on dementia experience, not just training certificates. You choose the carer yourself, after meeting them in person, with no obligation until you are ready. If you would like to talk it through, you can email hello@hibantcare.com or have a look at hibantcare.com.

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