You did not expect this part. Your mum has lived in London for fifty years. She raised you here, worked here, taught you to read in English. Then dementia arrived, slowly at first, and over the past few months something has changed. She has stopped speaking English. She speaks Bengali now, or Yoruba, or Polish, or Cantonese, or Tagalog. The language you do not properly know. The language your school never taught you. Every time you walk into her room you feel further away from her than you did the week before.

You are not imagining it. This is something families across London live with quietly, and there is a clinical reason for it.

What is happening to her language

The Alzheimer's Society describes a pattern in bilingual people with dementia where the language learned later in life, often the one used in work or out in the world, becomes harder to access first. The first language, the one heard in childhood, is more deeply rooted and tends to remain available for longer. So your mum has not chosen to leave English behind. Her brain is reaching for the words that were laid down earliest, and English, even after fifty years of living in it, is the newer layer.

For the family this is disorienting in a particular way. You may have grown up not fully fluent in her language because she wanted you to fit in here, or because you went to English-speaking schools, or because life simply moved that way. Now the work she did to meet you in your language has reversed, and you are the one who needs to meet her in hers.

What this changes about care

If you are looking for a carer for your mum at this stage, language is not a soft preference. It is a clinical need. A carer who can speak to her in the language she has returned to is the difference between her feeling safe and her feeling stranded among strangers. Dementia UK and the Alzheimer's Society both note that people with dementia who can communicate in their first language often experience less distress, fewer agitated episodes, and better engagement with food, washing, and routine. Carers UK echoes the same point in its guidance for families of older people from minority and migrant backgrounds.

What you are looking for is not just bilingualism on a CV. It is someone who actually speaks her dialect, knows the foods she grew up with, and understands the prayer and rest patterns of her culture if those matter to her. If she is Muslim and you are looking at a daily routine, prayer times shape the day. If she is Hindu, certain foods may simply be off the menu. If she is Jewish, kashrut may have been important to her her whole life, even if it lapsed in middle age, because for someone whose memory is fading, the rules of childhood often come back hardest.

Practical things to ask when you speak to anyone about care

Before you agree to any arrangement, ask three plain questions.

First, what languages does this specific carer speak, and at what level. Not the agency in general. The person who would actually be in your mum's home. Ask for the dialect, not just the language. Sylheti is not Standard Bengali. Cantonese is not Mandarin. These distinctions matter.

Second, what experience does this carer have of dementia at the stage your mum is at. According to the NHS, dementia changes what people need from their carers as it progresses. Someone who has worked only with people in early stages may not be the right fit for someone in middle or later stages, regardless of language.

Third, can you meet them in person before anything begins. A carer who cannot or will not be met before being placed in your mum's home is the wrong starting point. The gov.uk guidance on choosing care providers is clear that families should be able to meet the people who will be providing care, and to make an informed choice.

One step you can take today

If you are not sure where to begin, call the Carers UK Helpline on 0808 808 7777 or the Alzheimer's Society helpline on 0333 150 3456. Both are free, both are independent of any care provider, and both have advisers who understand the particular needs of bilingual families. You do not need to have a plan before you ring. You can just describe what is happening and let them help you think it through.

If your mum's world has shrunk to the language she was born in and you are looking for someone who can step into that world with her, you need a carer chosen for her, not handed to her by a rota. Hibant is a small London introductory care agency. We help families find vetted carers they meet first, before any arrangement begins. When language and culture matter, we look across our roster for people who can be present in your mum's first language and share her cultural references. To talk it through, email hello@hibantcare.com or visit hibantcare.com.

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